The Surprising Secret(s) to Transforming Relationships from the Inside-Out!”
Just a couple of days ago, it was Mother’s Day, and coincidentally, just a couple of days before, I wrote about my relationship with my mother (not knowing that Mother’s Day was approaching) and how it changed over the years.
When it comes to personal growth, healing, or spiritual journey (call it whatever), I have realized that relationships are the hardest to work with.
One of the reasons is this particular mindset; everything is not in your control; you can work on yourself, but what about the other person? What’s the guarantee that they will change if I work on myself?
Another reason is that our patterns are very strong (emotionally) regarding relationships with our close ones.
Let’s address reason number 1,
Well, to begin with, it’s a classic example of how you cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it in the first place.
The biggest reason our relationships suffer is because we try to “change” the person according to what we ‘think’ is right for them, according to our own biases about the world.
We do not really want to change the person; we want to change our relationship, and we think that the relationship will change only if the person changes.
Because that seems easy to our righteous minds, it doesn’t take much work; you don’t have to take responsibility.
But when we take full responsibility and do the inner work.
When we see our judgments and biases, become aware of them, and bring more understanding and acceptance, our relationship starts to change because what has changed is our perspective.
I don’t know who said it, but they said it so beautifully,
When we change how we look at things, the things we are looking at start to change.
When we work from the inside and change how we look at the person and look at them differently, we start to experience a difference in our relationship on the outside.
Basically, the problem wasn’t so much with the person as with the image of the person that exists in our head.
Here is an example of my relationship with my mother,
I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother when I was younger.
You see, my mother is quite rebellious.
Being her son, I also have the same quality.
For everything I wanted to do as a child,
I would only get a “NO” and strongly react to that.
As I grew older, I started rebelling against her ‘NO’’ which would lead to arguments and verbal fights with my mother.
It was like we never had the same point of view on anything.
When I started on my inward journey of change, it was one of the things that bothered me the most.
I could remain calm around everything, but talking to my mother would trigger me in seconds.
How did I change that relationship?
- Understanding,
- Acceptance
and
- Taking full responsibility.
The first thing I did was take full responsibility for the situation; rather than blaming my mother for her opinions and beliefs, whenever an argument would happen between us,
I would go back and reflect on where “I” went wrong.
I would tell myself that if an argument is happening between me and my mother, then it’s my responsibility, and I would reflect on the exact point from where things were going south.
Every argument or fight can be stopped if only one person remains calm and does not react with anger or self-righteousness.
I also started seeing everything where I was judging my mother and wanting her to be different. This was the main reason for our arguments.
Somewhere I was being a control freak, taking everything she was saying too seriously and not accepting her the way she was. (maybe that’s what happens with our loved ones)
My judgments about her were the main reasons for the way our relationship was.
When I understood the world she grew up in, her parents, and the resources, privileges, and exposure she had, I realized how wrong I was in wanting her to be different.
We grew up in a completely different world.
The more I started understanding her world, the more I started accepting her for who she is.
After all, everyone’s journey is unique, and I can’t force anyone to see the world as how I see it.
Although it took a lot of inner work, patience, and time,
Over the last few years, my relationship with my mother has blossomed, and now we hardly have any arguments.
I feel so much more love for her and am so grateful for how she is.
One more thing that I want to add, and something we ignore all the time, is that people close to us also hurt us a lot, including our parents, siblings, and partners. After all, no one is perfect.
What brings more love and less judgment is simply forgiveness.
Forgiveness not as a concept but as a practice, which again takes time and effort.
4 things that will transform any relationship,
- Taking full-responsibility
- Understanding
- Acceptance
- Forgiveness
Here are some closing thoughts,
Almost everyone wonders about our purpose in life, and when we talk about purpose, we automatically think of ‘doing’ something on the outside.
Have you ever wondered about your inner purpose? What’s your inner purpose?
What if it’s simply to have more love in our relationships?
What if, if you work on your ‘inner purpose,’ you find it easier to get to your outer purpose?
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